CATDUST

i'm tired. i'm tired. i'm being restricted. i should just dig a hole. i'm not allowed to grow. i'm told to be like everyone else. i can't. i can't. at times you tell me to be myself and then judge me? i have a heavy heart and a heavy mind and it's hard to explain why i am the way i am. it's so hard to balance everything yet i try. i try my hardest. yet you try to guide my in such unnatural and dreaded path. you only see  the negative sides, always critiquing in everything i do. i'm doing everything i can to be what you want, yet also fit things to my preference. you can't just put a stick and expect a flower to grow straight up. it's going to go up, but it will loop itself to it's liking and bind around the stick with it's own unique arrangement. it'll still be as beautiful and just as bright; but the difference is it'll also be happy. it'll be happy that it finds it's own perspective and reason of thought. just don't tell me to be the same. don't compare me with other people's kids. for the only similarity that people share is the fact that everyone is different.

sometimes i wish i wasn't so aware or i wish i wouldn't have to be both infatuated and jaded with the world. maybe then i'll be 'like the others' with their simple and spurious happiness. but i cannot; because i have been taught more of the world, and of life, and the dwelling of nirvana.

if you have any knowledge of the enlightenment era and John Locke's theory of mind of modern conceptions of identity and self , you would know of his postulation that the mind is a blank state, or 'tabula rasa'. that we were all born good and clean and that knowledge is instead determined only by experience derived from sense perception. trust in this. trust that i am good, that we are all good. it's just people sometimes do delinquent things due to their own personal experiences and their take on things. 


i'm angsty, ofcourse i'm angsty i'm a teen. although countless of literature and movies depict the infinite search of  one's true identity and one's thought of life, i cannot be simply accepting of it, yet i have to experience it myself.