I decided to start writing again.

Hello, hi. I don't know how to start this, but I have this sort of- violent urge to write again.

I've been thinking on starting over a new blog, but I think that wouldn't be the most advisable thing to do. Today, I wanted to write about me, and my selfish insecurities. I feel like it is time to voice my opinions, although not literally voiced this blog post will do. Lately I have been in random spikes of being in between a manic phase, in which I am very motivated and inspired, then falling back to it's polar opposite, being totally un-inspired and very agitated. That is normal I suppose, being an adult does have it's unpleasant perks.

If you don't know me, I will introduce myself as a girl by the name of Fathia, who like any other, is trying to make her way in this world. When I say in this world, I meant the cyberspace included. I am falling quite haphazardly apart from what is to be my main obligations of being a university student which is; completing the one burdensome yet crucial stage on graduating, making a thesis.

It's funny how one obstacle in your life could seem so trivial to some people but to you, it's a big and impassible roadblock that you just can't seem to conquer. It consumes you as a whole and makes you feel so... inferior. However, I do understand that sometimes it's just your head playing clever tricks on you and dragging you down to what seems to be unachievable. Note. your mind could be your worst enemy. Although of course, I'm sure many of you know that by now.

I want to try and keep this blog as personal as possible. For some of you who know me from the almighty Youtube, I will be spilling some dirt about it in this blog too, as I have many things to talk about regarding that matter.

This was just a very brief post on what now just feels like a rant. Although I must say, I do feel a bit better (oddly enough) about my situation and I kinda feel like jumping in to writing my thesis again. Hm. This goes along with my other theory that sometimes you just have to talk to someone, write, or even just rant and then move one. Sometimes your problems like to get in the way and seem bigger than it actually is. I realize that. So to you, whoever you are, procrastinating on that one important task, just D O   I T !

That's it for now I guess.

Where Your Heart Used To Be

Have you ever had your heart broken that you start hurting physically?

Like someone has drilled a hole in the place where your heart used to be, 

took your heart and what is left is empty

you lay there on your bed trying to tolerate the pain

You try to forget it,

But all the memories flood through your thoughts like an endless waterfall

A tsunami so big it consumes you

Preys on you 

Smothers you

What is left is his absent presence

(His voice, his touch, his smell)

Then abrubtly they leave you to overthink

Leave you with hallucinatory fragments

Because the pain you feel in your heart is real, real, real

3:55am

Tell me what you think of when you wake up at 3 am in the morning,
palms empty, thoughts full.
 I know you think people don't realize the sadness in your eyes when you talk oh
but dear,
your laugh will always be the death
 of many people's heart.

Sentiments

Floating into nothingness

A void that can't be explained

Trying to explain

The roads I've been crossing

s a tu r d ay

Well hello, how was your week? I hope all went well. I hope everything that bothered you went away; I hope all your problems find the answers. I keep telling myself that you are going to be just fine. That I am going to be just fine. I had my midterms last week. I tried my best, so I hope to get a really good result. I know these kinds of posts are boring, but I guess I just needed to write down some things. And I figure my blog needs a new post anyway.

I've been watching a few movies:
Frances Ha
Doom Generation
Heathers
Synecdoche, New York
The Dreamers
Blue Valentine
Cutie & The Boxer
Buffalo 66
Ghost World
Dallas Buyers Club

Well, I realize that's quite a lot. I really recommend Heathers for it's cynicism and pessimistic view on life, Blue Valentine if you want to feel good about yourself for not being in this thing human beings call "in love", and Synecdoche New York will seriously make you feel sad but in a different way (?) Also,  yesterday I watched The Raid 2. It was very entertaining. I enjoyed it very much. The killing scenes were very explicit though.

Anyways, I just had a bowl of cereal and there's more food waiting on the table. Tempe, semur, and soup. I have to go to my grandma's house in Indramayu which is kind of a drag since I have other things to do...

/#/1/

"Apasih yang lo mau dari gue? Udah berapa kali gue nyuruh lo untuk jauhin gue! Lihat sekarang! Lihat! Semua jadi berantakan kan? Apa ini, yang lo mau? Ini yang lo maksud dari semua akan baik-baik saja?"

Dia terdiam. Hening. Dia mencoba untuk berbicara. Hanya dia tidak bisa merangkai kata-kata yang tepat untuk menjawab amarah si x. 

Lalu, Ia mencoba sekali lagi untuk membuka mulutnya-

"Kamu…kamu.." 

Diam.

"Kamu gak tau kan rasanya gimana? Kamu gak tau apa yang aku harus lalui setiap hari?"

Dia menghela nafas yang panjang.

"Apakah kamu pernah sekalinya berfikir tentang aku?"

Dia mulai berbicara. Tempo menjadi cepat.

"Enggak kan? Kamu gak tau pahitnya diacuhkan sama orang yang kamu paling cintai. Aku sering mengatakan kan, perasaan aku ke kamu? Aku sudah bilang ke kamu bahwa kamu itu satu-satunya orang yang bisa buat aku tersenyum? Bisa membuat aku ketawa? Kalau hidup tanpa adanya kamu; aku ini harus kemana? Aku harus gimana?"

Dia mulai meneteskan air mata. Dia pun tidak mengerti kenapa semua kata-kata tersirat emosi keluar pada saat itu. Mungkin karena Ia sering memikirkannya, namun selalu Ia telan. Ia simpan sampai pada akhirnya, hal ini terjadi. 

Dan mereka berdua tahu. Tahu bahwa semuanya tidak akan baik baik saja. Dan, tidak akan pernah.

Tying back all the memories
As I grasp for more air
You, me, and our faults