to whoever may care,

do you know the feeling where you don't feel anything/numb? or where you feel sad but you can't pinpoint exactly as to what it is that makes you feel that way? sometimes i think i have no real reason for it because i don't come from a broken home or a family that doesn't care or whatnot. i try to link it to the fact that i didn't live with my parents for quite some time but now they're here and i still feel the same. it's like i'm a million different people because i have another persona or a facade when i'm with certain people. i wan't to open up about something that is very very personal to me. why not do so in a blog that everyone can read eh? well back around september (my birthday) i used to self harm. i know it sounds awful i know you're going to judge but please refrain from doing so because what happened, happened. the first time i even attempted on doing so was at school. again, i was the new kid. and even though no one was particularly mean to me or hurtful, i hated everything about school. though i must say i'm academically stable, at that time i wasn't emotionally. it's hard to remember now the emotions i was undergoing but i'll try to remember as hard as i can. so i was in class alone and i was feeling pretty beat up about something (ultra personal reason) and so i went to the school store and bought myself a cheap razor. i then went to the bathroom and because i had never cut before, i totally failed. i basically just scratched myself nothing more than a cat scratch. i then found my own technique. after every cut was like a thrill and a feeling in which you have control over. i remember so clearly now that i've even cut in class before. nobody noticed. i also remember a cut i made which was pretty deep. if you didn't know before, after each cut your blood sprouts out like beautiful red ink. after a few weeks or so, people started to notice. i realize now what a freak they probably thought i was. i don't blame them. that is serious business. it's also addicting. i remember now my rule was if i cant get high, then i cut. i guess i was going through a pretty intense emotional roller coaster. if you've read this far and is now thinking of how immature and stupid i sound, you have no rights to think that way. obviously, there are serious reasons which i think are too personal to state here. i guess why people cut is because they are hurt emotionally. and those who cant take it would rather have physical pain, where it is visible and which you have control over. anyways it's been a long time and ofcourse i stopped. the thing i learned is, scars never really heal. that's why they're called scars. i was battling myself during that time and i don't think it's sensible for any of you to do it. but then again, everyone is a hypocrite. i have pictures of my arm back then but i think we can all visualize. if you're really snoopy and want to know how it looked like, i would put it up. until then, x